END GIRL HATE BY LERATO DIPHOKO
I recently saw a picture of former Miss South Africa, Vanessa Carreira-Coutroulis, wearing a shirt with the words “End Girl Hate”. It caught my attention because it was a very beautiful photo, but what also caught my attention were the words written on it. What is it that causes girls to hate each other? I believe that there are many reasons why women learn to hate each other, and chief among those reason is the fight for the affections of a man.
We may live in 2017 and women may enjoy many rights that women in ancient societies did not enjoy. But the competition to win the affections of a man, is as strong today, as it was when Hadassah of the Old Testament was competing with many other beautiful virgins to win the affections of King Ahasuerus of the Persian Empire. Just as the virgins that were competing for King Ahasuerus’ affections had to be very beautiful and underwent 12 months’ beauty treatments to ensure that each was ready to meet the king, the hugely successful beauty industry is testament of how women continue to go through elaborate beauty regimes to ensure that they are found favourable in the eyes of men.
This is why there are often so many catfights among female celebrities. It seems that there is no room for many young women to be “it girls”. Only one has to be an “it girl” and so the trouble begins. In any situation where one particular woman perceives herself to be the most beautiful, if another woman appears who is more beautiful than her, she immediately hates the new woman. This is because she now has competition. The scenario I am presenting here, is more common than one might think. However, that it is common, does not mean that it is justified. The woman who immediately starts hating anyone that she perceives as more beautiful than her, has a bigger problem than that she has a rival.
At the root of hatred for another woman, because you perceive her as more beautiful than you or because you have a feeling that she will steal the affections of a man that you love, is insecurity. And it cannot be cured by being more beautiful. An internal problem, cannot be cured through external means. Beauty is external and cannot cure internal insecurity. The only way that girl hate will end, is when women become internally secure and love themselves. There will never be an instance, in which a beautiful woman does not meet a woman more beautiful than her, I am sure even Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, hailed as the most beautiful woman in the world several times, has been in situations where she found women more beautiful than her.If you are in that situation and you are not internally secure, you hate, but when you are internally secure, you are not even bothered, because you know, there is room for you and another person to be beautiful. Another person’s beauty,does not diminish your own.
Now it is possible that someone more beautiful than you may win the affections of a man that you love. When that happens and you are internally secure, you do not embark on a campaign to make the man you love, love you more than the other woman. You especially do not begin to hate the other woman. You let the man who will so easily be swayed from loving you to loving another, go. You let him go, because you know that there is nothing that you can do to make someone else love you. If someone’s heart is with someone else, becoming more beautiful, will not win that person’s heart. Esther did not win the heart of King Ahasuerus because she was more beautiful than all the women who appeared before the king. It is most likely that there were women more beautiful than her. The difference with Esther, is that the king loved her more than all the women, and she obtained favour and grace in his sight.
I mention this point to emphasise that love just happens. There is not much that a woman has to do for a man to love her. There is not much that Rachel had to do for Jacob to love her. He just loved her. She did not have to be more beautiful than all the women in her town. She did not have to be more spiritual than other women. In fact, that she stole one of her father’s gods, tells us that Leah was probably more spiritual and more in line with Jacob’s faith than Rachel. But Jacob loved Rachel. And Leah tried very hard to win Jacob’s affections, but nothing she did worked. This is because love like grace is freely offered. You do not have to do anything to receive it. You do not have to fight with anyone to receive it. When you know this, you will never again compete with another woman for a man.
Lerato Diphoko, Founder and CEO of God Fearingly Fabulous
@Lerato_Diphoko
fabulouswomanmagazine 